“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” It was 25 years ago I was at a wedding when I heard this statement. After the groom had reluctantly repeated this in its original Hebrew pronunciation, I curiously tried to understand what this blessing meant. I was wondering what made this statement so important that it was being recited, by both bride and groom, in every Jewish wedding.
I eventually understood that the exchange of vows required a give and take, just like the exchange of the rings. It conveyed to me that if my heart and soul will belong to you and I am going to be yours, then your heart and soul will belong to me, and you are going to be mine. So, if this was the definition, it would have meant there was an exchange of ownership. One was giving up the possession of him or herself in order to gain another person’s. Well, this did not seem that healthy to me. If I had to give up my autonomy in order to be in a committed relationship, I would have been at the mercy of another person and lost power over my own existence. If I had allowed another entity to have sovereignty over my domain and I had become the ruler of another person, then what had happened to love and compassion? Did we lose our individuality in a loving relationship?
A loving and compassionate relationship requires much give and take, but not sacrificing one’s self in the process. I do not believe the institution of love and marriage is based on giving up power. On the contrary, I believe a loving relationship is accepting the other as how they are and feeling that you are cared for without being judged. Giving up the things that are valuable and important in your life in exchange for becoming acceptable or satisfactory to another is depowering and leads to loss of love. When one continuously puts another one on a pedestal and tells him or herself that in pursuit of a loving relationship my wants and ambitions are not important, the message is that I do not matter. Would you like to stay in a relationship with someone who does not matter? Would you feel safe and supported by such person? I wouldn’t.
Rumi says: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” The capacity to feel true love and to build fulfilling relationships is limited when one experiences self-doubt, self-blame, and self-harm. The “barriers within” are the psychological wounds that need healing before one can “seek for love. “Childhood traumas and abuses along with losses, rejections, betrayals, abandonments, and break-downs get in the way of trust, security, and joyful connectedness. In order to be efficient and productive in our care and support for others, every step of life requires our awareness and attention to our personal well-being. A person who does not place much value on “self” and imagines making selfless sacrifices as the showing of love for others will not be able to know what others’ needs are and how they may be fulfilled. Self-love is the first step in loving. It is not selfish to respect and value yourself; it is foolish if you don’t.
Growth and joy are the main ingredients of a prosperous life and love is the potion that is made of both. Our motivation for being alive and enjoying life is tied to our ability to take this potion and be “intoxicated” by it. Our relationships can be kept alive if love initiates from within and not from outside. When a bride and a groom call each other “my beloved” it does not mean that those words reflect how much they care for themselves. Self-love is the acceptance and compassion that one has for her and him “self”. It is the self-esteem and self-worth that one carries into the relationship. Without such a sense of inner peace and self-respect a loving relationship can easily turn into a power-struggle or a guilt-fest.
On a day like Valentine’s Day, when we celebrate love, we need to take a moment and examine our sentiments for ourselves. We need to be honest with ourselves and find out how we take care of US? We should be able to affirm that we are fair, non-judgmental, responsible, empowered, and secure. After all, a person who is not pleased with his or her life achievements or performances will never be fully satisfied with anyone else’s. Let’s start true love with another Rumi quote: “If I love myself, I love you. If I love you, I love myself.”
“Salvation in love can only come from being “my beloved” before looking for my beloved.”
Happy Beloved Valentines to Anyone Who Reads This and Thank You for That!
Layla Fayyad
